I've had a diary for as long as I remember. My childhood diary sits in my nightstand and dates back to 1998. I've always had a passion for writing and I try really hard to document the important things and the life-changing things and the things that affect my life. There are some years and months that were skipped, mainly in my older years because I forget to write. Ever since I started this blog, the diary entries have dwindled because now I share (most) of what happens on here. I love writing, I love being open and honest and putting my thoughts and emotions onto a page. My diary is now two diaries, my adolescent one and my adult one, but they are both very much the same. Pages and pages filled with love stories, heartbreak, death, sadness, happiness. It's an emotional roller coaster. Last night I wrote for the first time since August 2018. I try really hard to document more often, but it's hard to remember or find the time. I read back through the pages in the beginning, from 2010, and could vividly remember the details I was reading. That's why I document these things so that I can remember someday when the small details are fuzzy. The whole book is filled with small details that I would've never remembered without my diary. Everything is in these books. My first kiss, my first crush, every detail of the first time someone asked me to be their girlfriend, my "first" time.. every single monumental event. I will forever cherish the pages, even though some of them are just embarrassing.
I should have gone through and counted every boy I ever mentioned. Page after page of "I'm in love again, this time with _______". I'm a hopeless romantic, I wear my heart on my sleeve and it definitely shows. I've been this way my whole life, meeting someone new and thinking about them constantly until nothing comes of it. I've now been single for SIX years and I'm almost to the point where I'm so comfortable alone. I'm used to my life the way it is, but I am beyond ready to meet my person and move on with my life. Six years single I know who I am, I know what I want, I have life goals, I have career goals, I've worked on myself a lot to get to this point, so I am ready to work someone else into my equation. My whole life I've heard the phrase "when you know you know" and to be honest I feel like that is some crap. Even though I am rooting for romance, I just don't know if I believe in knowing when you know. Is that a mutually agreed upon thing? Like what if one person knows but the other is a little slow to catch on? It's a dilemma. I've wondered if I "knew" for the past three crushes, and then turned out to be wrong on all of them. So my opinion is, it's a load of crap.
Dating today is not like it once was. It is hard, like really hard. Once upon a time, my senior year of high school, I was named class flirt. My mom was probably embarrassed when my name was called to go on stage for that award, but I'm telling you that girl does not exist anymore. I wish she did, but now I'm just awkward. I clam up when I'm in a flirty situation, unless I'm a few drinks in (which Dry January is not helping in this department). The process for dating doesn't go like it used to. Now theres all these levels of "talking" and other non-committal terms that millennials use to define an undefinable situation. It's annoying and it sucks. I'm all for the age of women making initial moves of striking up a conversation, but it can be terrifying and no one knows where to start. Do we slide into your DMs, send you the first snap, how do we say "hey I'm interested" without using those words at the risk of being too forward? Reading people to determine if they're interested is a challenge and being rejected is the absolute worst.
So for now, I will continue to write in my diary about all the boys I've loved and keep on loving until I can finally write the final male name in my book. And what a lucky man he will be.
Author - mallory
I've always lived a wild life, so here I am to document it for the world... be ready for some fun adventures, xoxo.