I've struggled the past two weeks to come up with a decent blog topic because nothing eventful has happened in my life. Dry January has really been hard on my creativity because I don't get the fun stories from going out. I've literally done nothing in two weeks except go snowboarding and buy an Instant Pot, and neither of those would be fun to read about. (Except I do think everyone should own an IP, but that's another story). I guess the most exciting thing that has happened to me was paying off almost $4,500 in credit card debt, which I'm very excited and proud of. My debt was always fairly managed, but I was never good at keeping money in a savings. I had a pretty decent nest egg when I had my first job, and then I spent it all when I fell in love with Hudson at the pet shop. Then, I rebuilt it back up to a comfortable level and my friends persuaded me to go to Mexico (for the second time). Last year, I had a decent savings.. and then I got fired. My financial situation has always been a struggle, but I finally have it (back) under control. And this time for good.
I would never wish credit card debt on my worst enemy. There is literally nothing worse than trying to pay off thousands of dollars while getting hit with 25% interest charges each month. The second I paid off all (four) of my cards last week I closed out three of the accounts and kept one as an emergency card. I found it funny that when I tried to cancel my cards they offered me incentives to stay, like a lower interest rate or $25 back on my next statement. It was like they were encouraging me to go back to being in debt. I shut that down. I feel like at 26, I have finally developed a working budget and plan for all of my finances. I invest in the Acorns app, I opened a second bank account and direct deposit my second job paychecks right into there with no debit card to take it out, and I've learned to live off of my first job income only. All of this along with about six cash back apps that I use for everyday purchases. I am finally doing good.
This is the time when we should be saving. I'm 26, living on my own, with no kids. My only dependent is my dog, and his financial needs are quite small. I love Hudson and I would never change having him for the world, but if I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't have used my savings account to buy a dog. I wouldn't have used my savings account to go on vacation, and I definitely wouldn't have racked up so many unnecessary charges when I was unemployed. Having a second job that I never see the paychecks of is great because then I don't even have the temptation of spending it. It can sit in that account and build up and act as my savings for the long-term goals I have, like buying my dream car or buying a house someday.
I said at the start of January that 2019 was going to be my year, and this is how it starts. I encourage everyone to create a budget that works for you. I took the advice of my roommate, Alex, and budget based on my paycheck. Now I don't have to hit the last week of the month and worry that my entire paycheck has to be spent on rent and how I can afford groceries that week. Now, I divide all of my bills by my weekly paychecks, and then move that money to a separate account to have the bills paid out. I get to live off of the extra each week. Now I can know exactly how much I have to splurge on a night out or if I can really afford those cute shoes at the mall. I finally have it under control. A budget doesn't need to be a complex thing, Excel has templates that you just plug in your own numbers with. A budget can be in the notes section of your phone or on your computer. As long as you have a budget in some form, you are already more financially successful than a lot of people. We are already drowning in student loans, don't make it worse by paying off credit card debt. Get rid of the cards. Pay them off and cut them up. Credit cards are toxic. Find a way that works for you, stick to it, and pay off that debt!
I've had a diary for as long as I remember. My childhood diary sits in my nightstand and dates back to 1998. I've always had a passion for writing and I try really hard to document the important things and the life-changing things and the things that affect my life. There are some years and months that were skipped, mainly in my older years because I forget to write. Ever since I started this blog, the diary entries have dwindled because now I share (most) of what happens on here. I love writing, I love being open and honest and putting my thoughts and emotions onto a page. My diary is now two diaries, my adolescent one and my adult one, but they are both very much the same. Pages and pages filled with love stories, heartbreak, death, sadness, happiness. It's an emotional roller coaster. Last night I wrote for the first time since August 2018. I try really hard to document more often, but it's hard to remember or find the time. I read back through the pages in the beginning, from 2010, and could vividly remember the details I was reading. That's why I document these things so that I can remember someday when the small details are fuzzy. The whole book is filled with small details that I would've never remembered without my diary. Everything is in these books. My first kiss, my first crush, every detail of the first time someone asked me to be their girlfriend, my "first" time.. every single monumental event. I will forever cherish the pages, even though some of them are just embarrassing.
I should have gone through and counted every boy I ever mentioned. Page after page of "I'm in love again, this time with _______". I'm a hopeless romantic, I wear my heart on my sleeve and it definitely shows. I've been this way my whole life, meeting someone new and thinking about them constantly until nothing comes of it. I've now been single for SIX years and I'm almost to the point where I'm so comfortable alone. I'm used to my life the way it is, but I am beyond ready to meet my person and move on with my life. Six years single I know who I am, I know what I want, I have life goals, I have career goals, I've worked on myself a lot to get to this point, so I am ready to work someone else into my equation. My whole life I've heard the phrase "when you know you know" and to be honest I feel like that is some crap. Even though I am rooting for romance, I just don't know if I believe in knowing when you know. Is that a mutually agreed upon thing? Like what if one person knows but the other is a little slow to catch on? It's a dilemma. I've wondered if I "knew" for the past three crushes, and then turned out to be wrong on all of them. So my opinion is, it's a load of crap.
Dating today is not like it once was. It is hard, like really hard. Once upon a time, my senior year of high school, I was named class flirt. My mom was probably embarrassed when my name was called to go on stage for that award, but I'm telling you that girl does not exist anymore. I wish she did, but now I'm just awkward. I clam up when I'm in a flirty situation, unless I'm a few drinks in (which Dry January is not helping in this department). The process for dating doesn't go like it used to. Now theres all these levels of "talking" and other non-committal terms that millennials use to define an undefinable situation. It's annoying and it sucks. I'm all for the age of women making initial moves of striking up a conversation, but it can be terrifying and no one knows where to start. Do we slide into your DMs, send you the first snap, how do we say "hey I'm interested" without using those words at the risk of being too forward? Reading people to determine if they're interested is a challenge and being rejected is the absolute worst.
So for now, I will continue to write in my diary about all the boys I've loved and keep on loving until I can finally write the final male name in my book. And what a lucky man he will be.
Since I started college, I can honestly say that I'm not confident that I have gone longer than a week without consuming alcohol in some form. Even before I was of drinking age, I drank.. often. I drank with the cheerleaders and LVC. And when I left LVC and transferred to Bloom, I drank even more. I'm a social butterfly and I thrive in a social environment, and alcohol just enhances that. However, starting on New Year's Day, my roommates and I embarked on "Dry January". Six days in and we are going strong. We have replaced our weekly trips to the bars with fun experiences instead. Yesterday, we dominated some six year olds at trampoline dodgeball. Next weekend we have a tournament of board games, followed by a weekend of skiing, and wrapping up the month with a 'treat yo' self' day of massages.
This first week hasn't been so rough for me (considering we consumed our entire body weight in alcohol on our NYE mountain trip). Tomorrow, however, is the premiere of The Bachelor (to which I am still salty I didn't get cast btw *@abc*..) and it will be hard to watch a three hour premiere with no wine. But don't you worry readers, I have a nice bottle of sparkling apple juice chilling to replace the craving. When (not if) we make it through the month, we also have a nice bottle of Prosecco calling our names that we forgot (probably because we were drunk) to pop at midnight to kick off this new year. So although we may miss out this time, we will have a not-so-dry February coming right around the corner.
Statistics say that people coming out of a dry month can go one of two ways: either you cut back on your intake entirely, or you drink double the amount to make up for the lack of in your blood stream. I am curious to see which path we take. The purpose of the dry month for me was primarily cost. Even with three part-time jobs, I don't have the funds to keep up with my bar habit. Honestly, God bless the bartenders at Sona who cut us a deal every once in a while.. they're probably missing us this month. My main goal in cutting back on drinking was using that money for experiences instead. So far, I am satisfied.
I've said it before but I'll say it again, I truly lucked out finding my roommates on Craigslist. I am excited to finish out the month sober and celebrate with a nice glass of bubbly. The money I save on drinking this month will surely help me in my travel plans for 2019. But out of all of these benefits, the biggest has to be waking up without a hangover. Nothing is worse than a day long hangover that keeps you in bed. Waking up early and having an entire day to do fun things has been eye-opening and amazing. Definitely not saying that I won't have a drink in my hand in February, because I definitely will. But definitely just saying that sometimes all we need is a month break from the craziness that is the bar scene and just enjoy the people around you. Enjoy making memories without the alcohol and take care of your body while being able to make good decisions with a clear head. And that is how you get to see the bigger picture. Stay sober, xoxoxo.
New year, new me. That's the most common phrase people can tell themselves on January 1st to prepare for a better year. After all, our choices are mentally driven and telling yourself you're going to have a great year is the start to making it happen. I say it every year myself, and this year I plan to stick to it. At the end of 2018, I explained my mini epiphany of really giving back and a big announcement to share. Throughout the last year, I saw every type of life around me. I experienced my own financial roller coaster, but it wasn't until I was exposed to the students of Philly schools that I really opened my eyes to the world around me. I experienced hunger and pain, exhaustion and strain of these young children and all I ever wanted was to make a difference in their lives. But one thing I've come to learn is that American children, Philly children, are entitled, ungrateful, not accepting of help, rigid, and it was hard to make these kids realize their own potential. It is because of the exhausting days in schools getting beaten with rulers and markers and cursed out that I decided my real idea of giving back. It's because of a classroom assistant that shared her own experiences of these children behaving so poorly that led me to this huge announcement that I'm going to share with you today.
Starting from today, January 1st, I plan to continue my path as a substitute but to extend my teaching beyond the classroom. To reach out to kids who will appreciate me, my story, my journey, and of course to prepare myself and my future. This summer, I want to truly give back, I want to spend my time giving back to the world that we live in. And that is why I decided to give two short weeks of my summer teaching children in Africa. Travel has always been a passion of mine and this year I want to spend some time volunteering my time to children who will appreciate the gift of life and make some memories that make me value my own life. We are privileged. Regardless of my own financial situation, it still is no where near as bad as those living in the town of Muizenberg. I want to take my own precious time and give some of it back to those that live a lifestyle completely different then ours.
This will be the first time I go on a trip that is not a leisure trip of my own. I found a great volunteer program that has destinations all over the world and I'm hoping this trip will be one of many volunteer opportunities I embark on. While I am gracious enough to give back on my own, volunteering still requires me paying to give my time. There are program fees, registration fees, airfare, daily bottled water allowances, and other expenses that will add to my already-too-high personal debt. I am hoping to gain some support of my family, friends, and my current blog readers to help make this possible with as little dent to my own debt as possible. I could spend my year paying off my own debt, maybe take a vacation to an island, or continue treating myself (as I often do), but instead I want to spend some time disconnected from reality in a place that needs some of my ample love and attention. My heart is so big and I want to give back just a portion of that to children who want to learn from me, who want to learn daily skills, and who appreciate me more than the children I spend my days with now. If you are reading and you would like to support this wild ride with me, I would appreciate it in any form. I have started a fundraising page here: www.gofundme.com/yncnk9-volunteering-in-africa-2019 and I will also be looking to take supplies and a small bag of items for the children with me. Things like clothes, small toys, and other things you may have lying around your house that would make a child's whole year. Thank you in advance to those who support me and I can't wait to update you in both my journey to Africa and my own continued wild adventures of 2019. Happy New Year and let's make this year count.
2018 has not been the best year to me. That's one thing I know for sure. I've lived through my parent's divorce, was fired from my job, diagnosed with HPV which led to numerous procedures and the removal of half of my cervix, I began three new jobs to pay for my credit card debt that somehow doubled in six months, and I've lost some friendships over the year. But somehow I'm still here holding up my spirits for 2019. In no way is this a pity party for a shitty year, but instead a lesson to be learned that not every year can be as great as the last, otherwise it wouldn't be life.
Everything that has happened to me this year has taught me a lesson. I've learned that I want to hold out for the perfect man for me, never settle. I've learned that careers sometimes change because you were on the wrong path all along. I've learned how important it is to take care of your body and your mental health. And most importantly I've learned the power in saying no and cleansing your life of relationships that overwhelm you. I've started staying in on weekends because I want to, saying no to plans because I don't feel like going, and doing what I want to for a change. 2018 started as my "year of yes".. it quickly turned to my year of "eh, maybe not" and ended as my year of "nope, sorry".
I've changed my priorities this year and plan to carry that into my new year. 2019 will be my year. I want to do more good in this world, give back to those who are struggling, and be the best version of myself, for myself. I want to stop focusing on the needs of everyone around me and do things that I want to do for reasons I don't need to explain. We get one life to live, how we choose to spend that time is important.
Next year, I am excited to make good on these promises to myself. Besides the everyday good that I am hoping to incorporate more into my life, I have something big planned. Something so big that it will make the problems I faced this year irrelevant and show just how big the world's problems really are. It will show me that despite all of the bad things that I listed above that happened to me this year, there are people out there who are hurting worse. It's another milestone in my journey and very much overdue. And now that I shared it with my mom, I can finally share it with you all too, but with a catch... I won't be announcing it until the new year so that I can truly start out on the right foot. So in the meantime, Merry Christmas to all and stay tuned for my big announcement on how I plan to make 2019 the year I do some real good in this world. xoxo.
There are two queens in this world that matter... the badass Queen Elizabeth and myself. 364 days of the year come and go, but on December 3, 1992, the second coolest queen was born. I absolutely LOVE birthdays, not just my own. I think it's amazing that you share your day with so many other millions of people in the world, but it still is a special day for you. 26 may be an irrelevant year, but I'm not an irrelevant person. Sagittarius' are notoriously confident, independent, and strong willed people and I am definitely not an exception to that rule. You get one day a year that is all about you and you should enjoy every minute of those 24 hours.
26 years ago today, as my mom gave birth to me, the hospital caught on fire. From that moment she probably knew that I would be the coolest person to ever walk this earth as her child (sorry Mike). I grew up in tiaras, crowns, jewels, for every occasion. Going to the grocery store? Queen needs a crown. Fourth of July? Crown for that too. I love(d) being the center of attention and not in a bratty way. In an I'm-amazing-and-the-whole-world-should-be-too way. I love my life and want to spread my love to every one of you readers.
People say "you're one year closer to 30", as if that number is magical and means something significant. Statistically yes, I am one year closer to 30, but every day I am also one day closer to 30. After 25, 30 is the next milestone birthday, but it's not like I'm going to go out of business when I hit 30, if anything I will (hopefully) have my life a little more sorted out than my current situation. But regardless, I still love life.
Today, I am celebrating my birthday in a middle school science classroom. Teaching the youth of America how a little bit of confidence will make you significantly happier in your life. I'm also celebrating my final day on my dad's health insurance.. which is slightly terrifying and also means I'll be living in a bubble until I graduate and get a real job. But regardless of all of the above, I'm celebrating LIFE. Because 26 years ago my mother brought this queen into all of your lives, so today we are celebrating her just as much as we are celebrating myself.
Happy birthday to the queen, let's celebrate my mother, and I hope you all have a fantastic December 3rd.
My heart goes out to kids today. I do not envy children growing up in this social media crazed world. I sit in middle and high school classrooms and watch just how much technology is affecting these young kids and it truly breaks my heart. When I was in middle school, phones were barely a thing. I grew up with a bag phone in my moms minivan and my first cell phone belonged to Nextel... a company that doesn't even exist anymore. I know that people older than myself reading this right now are thinking "When I was a kid we didn't even have computers" and it's true, that times are always changing. But for kids these days, I see how technology has really affected them.
I read another blog recently about social media and it was a good read. And now, as I sit in a high school class right now, I realize just how true it is. I remember when I was in high school and texting really became a thing, I had a limit of 500 texts a month. This seems unreal now because my entire life lives on my iPhone.. 500 texts a month?! I send that in one week. I used to spend hours on the phone at night with my friend Andrew. I remember calling his house and having to ask his parents if he was home to talk. Do people even do that anymore? Now it's all FaceTime and texting and calling and talking to someone's parents just doesn't happen. And that's sad.
Yesterday, I watched a girl in my class post an Instagram story and then sit there and refresh her page to see who viewed it. In my high school, if you had AT&T you didn't even get service in majority of the school. School was once peaceful and now I have eight students with headphones in listening to rap music and watching videos of their friends that are skipping class right now. I don't envy these kids because they have become so involved with social media that nothing is left to be wondered anymore. They don't need to go home and ask their friends what their day was like because Snapchat captures it all live. They don't need to be surprised when they show up to school and their friend isn't there because they already know they stayed home today.
Don't get me wrong, I love technology. I am absolutely guilty of tracking my friends on SnapMap and updating my Twitter with a random thought that I have during the day. But as an adult, I wouldn't have wanted this for my childhood self. I cherished the hours I spent on the home phone with my friends. I LOVED instant messenger and updating my status and having to get off the computer when my mom needed the phone because you couldn't do both. I don't envy children these days that feel the need to check their social media to see how many likes they have and who has viewed their story. These kids are ruining their self-confidence because of social media.. and that's sad.
Obviously technology and social media at their age is inevitable. Their friends get Instagrams, they need to download it too. There's a new app developed that they can connect with their friends, they do it too. In a way, it's a peer pressure that we experienced too, just in a different form. I remember my friends getting the first iPhone and I still had a blackberry and was so jealous that I bought a fake iPhone from China off of eBay. It's always been this way, but now it seems worse. I guess that's because I'm an adult now and that's just the way we see kids....
I haven't been on a date in five years. Since my last college boyfriend Shane, I haven't been on a date. As a matter of fact, I haven't ever been on a date with someone I wasn't actually "dating". In high school, I dated Corey and our "dates" consisted of skiing usually, sometimes walking around the mall. In college I dated Brian.. and I don't think we ever went on a date. And then I dated Shane, and we did things together which constitutes a "date" I guess, but other than the boys I dated, I never went on an actual "date".
So a few months ago I wrote about the boy with the letter, Henry. I wrote an entire blog post about the way we met at the bar and we wrote letters back and forth and how I texted him and it took him a month to answer. And now for the last four weeks we've been trying to plan a date. Every week for four weeks one would text and the other would be busy. We finally set a date for tonight and I honestly wish I could go back to saying I haven't been on a date in five years.
I don't want to bad mouth anybody because maybe he was nervous. And to be fair, I didn't go in with the most positive attitude about it either. It had been seven months since we met at the bar, I honestly didn't even remember what he looked like. I dreaded the date all day, the hours leading up to it I wanted to cancel, but I stuck it out because I was being a baby and now here I am about to tell you about quite possibly the most uncomfortable night ever.
In the letter he originally wrote back to me, he said "lets get burgers at the Goat's Beard". Okay, cool. Well since I received the letter in the beginning of September, I've learned one major thing about Henry. He SUCKS at communication. We haven't texted more than "are you free this Thursday?" "nope, maybe next week", for a month. It's been quite annoying and quite exhausting. So we finally set a date to go to Goat's Beard tonight, a place I have never been. I did what every girl does before a date and googled the menu to prescreen what I wanted. This place was hella expensive. I'm talking the kind of place that has 8 entrees to choose from and 7 of them are over $35. The cheapest thing on the menu was the burgers. So I decided to get a burger since that's what he suggested anyway. and here's how the date went...
I arrived at the restaurant first. The bar was packed, not a single open seat. The bar tables were packed. So I ordered a drink to calm my nerves and then asked the hostess for a table. Since I couldn't remember what he even looked like, I shot him a text and told him where I was sitting. When he arrived, the waiter got him a drink too and we started our date. It started off great, he was cute, like way cuter than I remembered. It was dinner time, almost seven, I was getting hungry from not eating since lunch at 12:30 and just before the waiter came back to order our food he dropped the too-soon-date-ending line "Are you actually hungry because this place is kinda expensive, even the burgers are over $15"........................ Well what do you say to that? Yes, I'm still hungry? You can sit here and watch me eat? So of course I was polite and said "no, I'm not too hungry". The poor waiter came over five times to ask us if we were ready to order and I just sat there embarrassed that we were even at a table. For the first time in five years, I wanted to be anywhere else but at that table. The rest of the date went on, I was already in a sour mood both from before the date even began and then again right after this moment. How do you ask someone out to dinner and then not get dinner..? If you just wanted drinks then you should've just said drinks. I was over it. It's an actual shame too because he was really cute.. so I was both bummed and annoyed at the same time. He also asked me bizarre questions like how much student debt I'm in... (the answer to which is so much that I need to marry rich so I'm not poor forever, how much money do you make?). I really tried to give the benefit of the doubt and say that he was nervous. He also said he had a really bad day at work, to which I responded "well you should have rescheduled then". Because tbh I would much rather us reschedule for the 8th time than for whatever experience you call tonight.
It sucks that this was the card I was dealt after so many years of being single. This was my crash course into dating because I had little to no interest in dating quite yet anyway. There was a lot of anticipation to this date. The letters, the back and forth, it seemed like the epic love story. But it sorta backfired and slammed my expectations. I know that life isn't like the movies (as badly as I wanted it to be), but life is not this night. This is not how a date should go not even how a bad first date should go and definitely not how I anticipated (or prepared) it would be.
The night ended with an awkward hug and me sprinting off to home to snuggle up with my sweet angel, Hudson, who is the only man I need. I know that my prince charming is out there and maybe he is reading this right now (in which case feel free to come take me on a better first date). I will find the man that compliments my soul and makes me a better person. And tonight, in this exact moment, I sadly don't think that's Henry. Good luck to my next suitor, it can only go up from here...
I learned to drive when I was seven years old in my dad's old pickup truck. Sitting on a speaker because I couldn't see over the steering wheel, I learned how to do a three-point turn on the railroad tracks behind my house. Ever since then, my dad still teaches me how to drive every time he's in car. He tells me I'm too heavy on the brakes (which I am), he tells me I'm going too fast (because he drives like a turtle), and as annoying as a backseat driver is, last night I called my dad just to thank him for teaching me how to drive.
Philly got hit with quite the snowstorm yesterday that I don't think anyone was expecting. Sitting in school, I watched the snow accumulate and knew it was going to be a long drive home. By the time school dismissed (at normal time because Philly refuses to ever let out early), there was already almost three inches of snow and no end in sight. I picked my roommates up at the subway station near the school I was working at, and we started our trek home.
What is normally a 20 minute drive home, just seven miles outside of the city, took two and a half hours. When there isn't a snowstorm Philly drivers make their own laws, but in a snowstorm, laws really don't exist. There were people driving down one ways the wrong way, people driving through peoples yards to get around traffic jams, Uber drivers creating third lanes in a two lane area, it was an absolute nightmare. The time on our GPS kept going up as we got closer to home, it was absolutely miserable.
But lucky for us, my dad taught me how to drive in the snow, even without four wheel drive. I learned important things like when your car is sliding on ice or slush, put your car in neutral because drive pulls the car forward even with the brakes and neutral will make the transmission stop turning the wheels, and that you should pump the brakes instead of slamming them, and most importantly, to make it up a hill with only front wheel drive, DON'T STOP HALFWAY UP THE HILL (and keep your speed consistent). As some lady in her BMW sat spinning on a hill while a line of cars sat behind her waiting, the skills my dad gave me allowed me to wait at the bottom, get a "running start" and pass the 10 cars that yelled at me not to go up the hill without all wheel drive. We made it to the top effortlessly and I waved as they pushed this lady to the top.
Finally back in Manayunk, we saw three school busses that slid off the road and an inexperienced driver had the back roads blocked. After two men tried to help her by pushing her up a hill in the wrong direction of the one way street, I offered to drive her car to the bottom of the hill for her. I wasn't afraid of the slushy hill because I was two blocks from home and sick of being in my car and it was the only path to my house so I drove a stranger's car down the hill for her and then ran back for my own car as people thanked me for letting up traffic.
Moral of the story is simple. If you didn't have a dad that taught you how to drive in the snow, stay home. The people that didn't know how to drive yesterday were the ones causing the traffic jams. Drive slow in the snow, read the road, and remember that laws still apply in the snow (@ the uber driver who cursed me out for not moving through a green light when traffic was stopped on the other side). And if you absolutely must drive in the snow and you suck at it, get a car with four wheel drive.. it's really not that hard. So thank you to my dad who taught me how to be a great driver so that I could be Manayunk's hero last night. When I have kids, they will absolutely be learning how to drive in the snow so that they can be better drivers and be able to make it home in any situation. xoxo
I've never been one to give up in my entire life, but there is a first time for everything. This subbing position has officially given me a run for my money so badly that today I am calling it quits come Friday. While the money is great for being a long-term sub, it isn't even fun to come to work every day. Since the first day of school, I have been hit with rulers, markers, bodies, hurtful words, and everything under the sun that just makes it impossible to get out of bed in the morning. My last day was almost when I walked out of the building last Thursday after being slammed into my door for not letting a student leave early. I packed all of my decorations and belongings and took them home with me and took a personal day Friday. I strongly considered not coming back at all, but I left my computer charger in my classroom and an $80 charger was worth coming back for. So I pondered over the weekend and decided to stop being a wimp, stick it out for the last 31 days of school until Christmas break. But now, it is Tuesday and I'm using my prep period to calculate just how much money I will miss out on if I switch to a daily substitute instead of long-term in the same classroom. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted and all this classroom has made me think about in the past few weeks is if I made a huge decision in switching careers to counseling. I know I am not cut out to be a teacher, I never signed up to be a teacher, I just needed something flexible to get me through the next two years of my degree and this was it. Teaching is not easy, I never said it was, but this placement is a whole new level of hard.
I have some wonderful kids, don't get me wrong. My first period Art History class is wonderful. The kids love my projects and ask me for challenges. I have gotten to know them on a personal level, what they want to be when they grow up, and they know me on a personal level, and what I want to be when I grow up (lol.). So my day starts off decent every day, but naturally the bad outweighs the good because when I have to deal with second period which has 33 kids and no aide, I barely come out alive. I started the year with a 5 gallon bucket full of markers, today I have about 50 markers left in total because they throw them, steal them, break them. I get that these kids come from a rough home life, and I get that they are going through struggles that I will never understand. But what I don't get is how they can't want better for themselves and treat others, teachers, with respect. As easy as it is to say from the outside "it's only 30 more days, tough it out", 30 more days sounds like four more years to me. These kids have made it not even enjoyable to come to class. The thought of spending my free time on weekends to come up with new and exciting lessons, grade their papers, and make worksheets just to come to school and have them call me stupid because "I lost their work that they swear they turned in", is freaking EXHAUSTING.
So yes, I am giving up and I am proud to say it. Friday will be my last day in this classroom and I am counting down the seconds. I can no longer pull myself up and out of bed in the mornings to come here and wonder what crisis is going to happen next. To my good students, I hope that you challenge yourself and do better and get out of West Philly. And to everyone else, I hope that you raise your children to be better than you because God Bless the future teachers that have to deal with mini versions of these kids someday. And lastly to the next art teacher that takes my place, good freaking luck.
Peace out, Sayre ✌🏼
Author - mallory
I've always lived a wild life, so here I am to document it for the world... be ready for some fun adventures, xoxo.